New Short Story: Irreverance

A new short story, called "Irreverance." Warning: If you are serious about organized religion, priests, angels, altar boys, homosexuals, Islam, jihad, god or lucifer, you probably will be offended by this and shouldn't read it. Everyone else? Read on. :) This was written as an amusement, not a statement.

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Irreverence

"Any infernal spirit now must leave! In the precious name of Jesus' blood I command you to leave this family alone! I ask that wherever this Holy Water touches no evil entity can survive! I expose you O demon, and your hiding place now! I command the Holy Angels now to fill this place with heavenly light!" the priest exclaimed, sloshing Holy Water all over the basement cubby hole as the frightened parents clutched each other and the psychic intoned behind the priest. The "Haunted Premises" host made sure to stay in front of the camera making terrified faces and gasping.

Above, from the third sphere Asmodeus stretched his wings and scratched his behind, then rose slowly from the cloud he reclined on. He was pretty scruffy for an angel, having had his five o'clock shadow for at least a millennium. He looked over at Azezal, who was lying on his back with his crown pulled down over his eyes. He was pretty scruffy, too. They were bare-chested and girded in gold, as well as dead out sexy as were all reputable angels.

"Come on, Az. We're being summoned again. Duty calls." Asmodeus said, picking up his scepter.

"Jesus Christ," Az muttered, pushing up the crown and frowning at Asmodeus. "Why do we even bother? At least tell me this, this priest hasn't cornholed any altar boys has he? I refuse to sully my wings on him if he has."

"No he hasn't. His tendencies lean only toward consenting adult males," Asmodeus replied. "No children."

"Oh. All right, then," Az said, standing up, shaking out his wings and doing a couple of side bends to work the kinks out. He grabbed his scepter as well.

Both angels leapt off the cloud and zoomed toward earth and the "possessed" house.

"Asmodeus, there's no demon in that place," Az said grumpily. "I'm getting tired of coming down here using up my Heavenly Light supply just so the church gets a huge donation. And I'm really tired of that psychic and that "Haunted Premises" guy. We're the ones who should get paid for this."

"Well, we have to serve, Az. That's the way it is," Asmodeus replied with a shrug of his wings.

"No wonder Lucifer got so pissed off," Az murmured under his breath.

"Getting pissed off is one thing, but trying to form a union? A whole other story. Heaven is a right-to-work state," Asmodeus answered him, shaking his head a little.

The rooftop of the house was coming up fast, and both Az and Asmodeus hovered in the air for a moment. A little black and white dog tied up in the yard looked up and barked at them. Az frowned for a moment, and then pointed his scepter at the dog. The rope broke, and the stunned dog stood there a moment, then ran, snuffling joyfully in the neat flowerbed in front of the house before starting to dig, flowers flying everywhere.

"Why do you always do that?" Asmodeus asked him as Az smirked down at the dog.

"Because a dog shouldn't be tied up to a house outside with no fun and no socialization, that's why. Besides, the flowerbeds needed aerating," he answered as the priest's demanding voice howled up at them again.

"Come on. Father John is calling. Let's do this," Asmodeus said with a grimace.

The two angels flew through the roof, through the attic, the second floor, the first floor and finally into the basement. They landed in front of the gesticulating priest in full garb, the uniformed host, the psychic in beads and earth tones and the parents, still clutching each other and probably silently cursing the daylights out of their real estate broker.

"Hail Mary, full of grace . . ." they chanted in unison.

Peals of devilish laughter filled the basement, unheard by the humans but the two angels spun to see several demons in absolute stitches, lined up against the far basement wall watching the show.

"Hey, we didn't divine you!" Az hissed, starting to point his scepter at the giggling group.

One demon held out his claws in a "wait a minute" gesture.

"Hold on, Gabriel, we're not possessing this place. We just came up to watch these guys fleece this couple," he said, a waft of mirthful smoke puffing from his wide nostrils. "The way things are, we don't even have to do evil deeds anymore. These people put us to shame. Even the priest doesn't believe what he's doing."

"My name's not Gabriel. It's Azazel," Az said with a hint of indignation. "Gabriel has a horn."

"Potato . . . Potaaato," the demon said dismissively before bursting out in new peals of laughter as the group of humans formed a circle.

"We have him on the run, he's in the midst of us!" the priest cried, beating at the empty space in the middle with his crucifix. "Join me. Beat the demon out!" Everyone started beating the air.

"Hey, I wouldn't mind if the wife beat me off!" another demon chuckled and they all burst into raucous laughter.

Az turned to Asmodeus.

"I don't know what's worse, this or an actual possession."

"This is," Asmodeus answered, frowning at the demons before turning to face the humans. "At least we get to scorch their scaly asses when it's a possession. Come on. Let's do it."

Both Az and Asmodeus pointed their scepters at the basement cubby hole. A golden divine light filled it, completely unseen by the humans, who continued beating their imaginary demon.

"Hey, are you charged by the kilowatt for that light?" a demon heckled.

"I hate this," Az said as the beautiful, wasted glow dissipated. Now they had to wait another half-hour before the sweating priest dabbed his forehead with his vestiges and pronounced the house cleansed. The excited host told the cameraman to stop filming and proclaimed it a spiritual victory. The family thanked them profusely, the wife still managing to look pretty doubtful. But the house was cleansed, considering it had never been possessed in the first place.

"Man, I love it," one demon said, wiping away the tears. "Not only do they fleece these people, charging them out the ying yang for fake testing and trumped up costs, they make these two bozos waste their time coming down here just because a guy in a black robe with serious belief issues calls them. Heaven is one big comedy show. C'mon guys, let's go get warm."

With that, the demons all puffed out, black smoke and laughter swirling behind them.

A bit dejected, Asmodeus said, "Come on, Az. Let's get back to the clouds."

The two unappreciated angels passed back through the house and headed for the third sphere. The dog barked a goodbye, completely covered in dirt before racing after the departing priest, host and psychic, making them run for their cars.

"Good dog," Az breathed as Asmodeus frowned at him.

"Did you do that?" he asked his fellow angel.

"Do what?"

"Make that dog go after those three?"

Az looked hurt.

"Of course not. Dogs are well known as being great judges of character. Apparently, it's true," he replied, trying not to smirk.

Asmodeus didn't say anything. Angels weren't supposed to be able to lie, but you never knew . . . especially with Az.

As they drew nearer their heavenly abode, Az asked his partner,"Asmo, have you ever considered taking up another cosmic gig? Another heavenly plan?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Another plan . . . like Nirvana or maybe Paradise?" he asked.

"No, because there's nothing to do in Nirvana. It's worse than heaven. At least in Heaven we get the occasional job. You don't do crap in Nirvana. They aren't interested in earthly life, so there's no reason to go down there, and all they do is contemplate themselves, which is the spiritual equivalent of sitting around and jerking off. Now, Paradise is good for a laugh. You find demons there all the time," Asmodeus said.

"Really? You've been there?" Az asked interested as they landed on their cloud.

"Yep. It's one of the biggest cosmic jokes there is. Oh, it's a beautiful paradise all right, and there are 72 virgins waiting for each man who's done his jihad, but that's where the good times end," Asmodeus said. "I've seen it, and there's nothing good about being overrun by 72 lustful women. At first they're smothered and practically pulled apart, then have to fuck until they're raw, then start all over again . . . it's a full time job, and if that's not bad enough, after they're done, they no longer have 72 virgins but 72 wives. That's where the afterlife gets really bad. Unlike earth, they don't have any other men around to control the women. There is no Shariah law, because there's no one to enforce it. Eventually, the afterlife turns into the Islamic version of hell, with free thinking women who pay the husband no mind. There is no death, so he can't kill them and keep them dead. When they return, they're pissed off and he becomes the one killed over and over. Jihad my ass. They'd do better to convert."

"Wow, sounds like a set up Lucifer would come up with," Az said admiringly.

"He's in the mix. Mohammed never should have mentioned him," Asmodeus said, taking his place on the cloud and tilting down his crown. It would probably be a long time between missions.